The truth behind 'Marriage is a bitter pill to swallow' Part I

I'm not being bitter. I just lost my career, my freedom...myself. So, why should I be bitter?

My day starts at 6 am--sometimes 5, depends on what time Kiel decides to bug me. I'm a light sleeper nowadays so it doesn't matter what time he wakes up. At 6--or 5, I sit up in bed, amusing the cute little cuddly thing squirming next to me--pulling at my shirt, trying to get my attention--or my breast. When he gets tired of my 'pretending to be asleep', he will start bawling--now, you can't possibly ignore that. When a baby cries, it cries like nobody ever loves him. You try to prove it wrong by carrying it, cuddling it, and 'shhh-ing' it. So, I carry him with me to the balcony. We try to catch sunlight from there. He likes staring at roof tops while feeling the soft breeze on his face--with eyes half close. But I'm not fooled--I know he's very much awake. Half an hour later we will wake up Daddy. Daddy will carry Kiel while Mommy--well, we all know who that is by now--prepares Kiel's breakfast. Breakfast is a tablespoon of cereal and milk.

8 am. Nap time--if he's not so hyperactive. I put on classical music to calm him down...relax him...and slowly lull him to sleep. Fifteen minutes later, he's up again--oh, how time flies! Daddy will keep Kiel company while Mommy prepares his bath.

Bathing is such a fun time for Kiel--if he's in the mood for it. It can be pretty stressful if he choose to have a lung exercise. His hands are still small to grasp his rubber duckies--yes, plural. He's got 6 rubber duckies.

Sometimes Kiel sleeps after bath, sometimes he doesn't. It doesn't matter, Mommy and Daddy take turns in keeping him company but his constant playmate is Mommy. Kiel seems to be very particular with the sex of the person holding him--he prefers females most of the time.

11 am. Lunchtime. Lunch is cereal and veggie or fruit mush. I don't know why books keep calling it 'solids'--it's pretty much all mush to me.

12 pm. Afternoon nap. Sometimes he sleeps longer--or shorter. I really can't figure out the determining factor for longer sleep for babies--We've basically tried everything--but even the dogs barking gets him out of slumber. So, if he's awake for the rest of the afternoon--it's playtime.

Thirty minutes before 6 pm is dinner. Dinner is same as lunch--good thing Kiel is not picky.

7 pm...sleeping time. I lie down next to him in bed--giving him his comfort food--Mommy's breast milk. He falls asleep suckling, one hand tucked at his side the other holding on to my shirt to make sure I won't go anywhere after he falls asleep. Smart kid.

I've got no reason to be bitter. I've got a new career being Mommy, a different kind of freedom and a whole new life ahead of me. No need to be bitter.

Caffeine UNfix

I miss my caffeine-powered days.

[I missed this year's Starbucks Planner. I've started collecting last 2007--when they still have those coupons for freebies and discounts. I forgave them for not including coupons for last year because they made the planners leather-bound instead of plain hard-bound. It also came with a pen--which I never really got to use because it's a ball point pen and won't write properly.]

Anyway, I've traded coffee for milk. Career for home life. Chick lits for baby books. Empire dresses for slim fit jeans and tees. All my 'business attire' have been put away to make room for--baby clothes. But hey, they're not in retirement yet! It's just for the meantime.

I'm loving my milk-Milo days. No work-related stress. No working overtime to meet deadlines. No dealing with heavy traffic and metropolis pollution. I should be thankful...I guess?

A few more days to go and I'll be meeting this guy squirming in my abdomen. This little guy has been keeping me up most night--squirming and kicking--wanting to go out and see the world, I guess. Like mother, like son.

Will he become someone like me? Will he grow up enjoying the things I enjoyed? Will he become like his Dad--passionate about punk-rock music?
Will he become a caffeine addict like me? If the time comes for him to become a father, will his anxieties be same as mine? or his Dad's?

It's the summer heat causing all these anxiety attacks--I need a raspberry mocha frappe!

LOSING THE SELF [among other things...]

The sky is almost always vivid blue nowadays. A few cotton tuffs of clouds are scattered but they seem so high up in the heavens. And the heat? Well, it's almost Lent--what do you expect?

I've always been a summer person--a child of summer, literally, being April born. I love clear cloudless skies, warm afternoon breeze that eventually cools come night time, and the sun--oh, how I love the sun shining in its full glory!

I wish I can still relate to my summer-loving self right now.

The clear blue skies and bright sun are causing too much glare it's annoying. The heat is unbearable...and I'm about to give birth to another child of summer.

Ages ago, I was a free-spirit. I do what I want, say what I want to say--I'm very much into myself. People see me as a very opinionated, domineering and overbearing person--i make no apologies. Oh, I don't go around bullying people--I'm a naturally bossy person. I don't like people telling me what I should or shouldn't do with my life. I want every decision and every move I make to come from me.

But all that has changed when I got pregnant and got married. All the stubborness drained away and the fiesty me learned to depend on others. I can still feel myself struggling to get out--not accepting circumstances as they are. I don't like being put into a situation, I've always believed that we make our own situations.

I hate whining and complaining but I've turned myself into a whiner--an overly sensitive pregnant wife. In the process of wanting to be a good wife and mother, I lost myself. I lost my summer-loving persona. I lost the brightness in me that comes every summer.