get lost in...

It's been a month already but the place still never cease to amaze me--in a way.

Pretty much like Manila--only cleaner and much more organized...and I can afford a lot of stuff here. I'm done converting everything to peso. It sucks, it will get you depressed. Anyway, it's the global financial crisis. Everyone everywhere's got money problem.

The truth behind 'Marriage is a bitter pill to swallow' Part I

I'm not being bitter. I just lost my career, my freedom...myself. So, why should I be bitter?

My day starts at 6 am--sometimes 5, depends on what time Kiel decides to bug me. I'm a light sleeper nowadays so it doesn't matter what time he wakes up. At 6--or 5, I sit up in bed, amusing the cute little cuddly thing squirming next to me--pulling at my shirt, trying to get my attention--or my breast. When he gets tired of my 'pretending to be asleep', he will start bawling--now, you can't possibly ignore that. When a baby cries, it cries like nobody ever loves him. You try to prove it wrong by carrying it, cuddling it, and 'shhh-ing' it. So, I carry him with me to the balcony. We try to catch sunlight from there. He likes staring at roof tops while feeling the soft breeze on his face--with eyes half close. But I'm not fooled--I know he's very much awake. Half an hour later we will wake up Daddy. Daddy will carry Kiel while Mommy--well, we all know who that is by now--prepares Kiel's breakfast. Breakfast is a tablespoon of cereal and milk.

8 am. Nap time--if he's not so hyperactive. I put on classical music to calm him down...relax him...and slowly lull him to sleep. Fifteen minutes later, he's up again--oh, how time flies! Daddy will keep Kiel company while Mommy prepares his bath.

Bathing is such a fun time for Kiel--if he's in the mood for it. It can be pretty stressful if he choose to have a lung exercise. His hands are still small to grasp his rubber duckies--yes, plural. He's got 6 rubber duckies.

Sometimes Kiel sleeps after bath, sometimes he doesn't. It doesn't matter, Mommy and Daddy take turns in keeping him company but his constant playmate is Mommy. Kiel seems to be very particular with the sex of the person holding him--he prefers females most of the time.

11 am. Lunchtime. Lunch is cereal and veggie or fruit mush. I don't know why books keep calling it 'solids'--it's pretty much all mush to me.

12 pm. Afternoon nap. Sometimes he sleeps longer--or shorter. I really can't figure out the determining factor for longer sleep for babies--We've basically tried everything--but even the dogs barking gets him out of slumber. So, if he's awake for the rest of the afternoon--it's playtime.

Thirty minutes before 6 pm is dinner. Dinner is same as lunch--good thing Kiel is not picky.

7 pm...sleeping time. I lie down next to him in bed--giving him his comfort food--Mommy's breast milk. He falls asleep suckling, one hand tucked at his side the other holding on to my shirt to make sure I won't go anywhere after he falls asleep. Smart kid.

I've got no reason to be bitter. I've got a new career being Mommy, a different kind of freedom and a whole new life ahead of me. No need to be bitter.

Caffeine UNfix

I miss my caffeine-powered days.

[I missed this year's Starbucks Planner. I've started collecting last 2007--when they still have those coupons for freebies and discounts. I forgave them for not including coupons for last year because they made the planners leather-bound instead of plain hard-bound. It also came with a pen--which I never really got to use because it's a ball point pen and won't write properly.]

Anyway, I've traded coffee for milk. Career for home life. Chick lits for baby books. Empire dresses for slim fit jeans and tees. All my 'business attire' have been put away to make room for--baby clothes. But hey, they're not in retirement yet! It's just for the meantime.

I'm loving my milk-Milo days. No work-related stress. No working overtime to meet deadlines. No dealing with heavy traffic and metropolis pollution. I should be thankful...I guess?

A few more days to go and I'll be meeting this guy squirming in my abdomen. This little guy has been keeping me up most night--squirming and kicking--wanting to go out and see the world, I guess. Like mother, like son.

Will he become someone like me? Will he grow up enjoying the things I enjoyed? Will he become like his Dad--passionate about punk-rock music?
Will he become a caffeine addict like me? If the time comes for him to become a father, will his anxieties be same as mine? or his Dad's?

It's the summer heat causing all these anxiety attacks--I need a raspberry mocha frappe!

LOSING THE SELF [among other things...]

The sky is almost always vivid blue nowadays. A few cotton tuffs of clouds are scattered but they seem so high up in the heavens. And the heat? Well, it's almost Lent--what do you expect?

I've always been a summer person--a child of summer, literally, being April born. I love clear cloudless skies, warm afternoon breeze that eventually cools come night time, and the sun--oh, how I love the sun shining in its full glory!

I wish I can still relate to my summer-loving self right now.

The clear blue skies and bright sun are causing too much glare it's annoying. The heat is unbearable...and I'm about to give birth to another child of summer.

Ages ago, I was a free-spirit. I do what I want, say what I want to say--I'm very much into myself. People see me as a very opinionated, domineering and overbearing person--i make no apologies. Oh, I don't go around bullying people--I'm a naturally bossy person. I don't like people telling me what I should or shouldn't do with my life. I want every decision and every move I make to come from me.

But all that has changed when I got pregnant and got married. All the stubborness drained away and the fiesty me learned to depend on others. I can still feel myself struggling to get out--not accepting circumstances as they are. I don't like being put into a situation, I've always believed that we make our own situations.

I hate whining and complaining but I've turned myself into a whiner--an overly sensitive pregnant wife. In the process of wanting to be a good wife and mother, I lost myself. I lost my summer-loving persona. I lost the brightness in me that comes every summer.

Yours [a. llanto-bernardo, 14.02.08]

yours are the hands
that fits mine
yours are the arms
around my body entwined
yours are the lips
touching me with kisses
yours is the warmth
my soul often misses
yours are the words
comforting and soothing
yours is the love
that fills my heart

At the Homefront

We've been married for almost two months but it's starting to feel like a lifetime.

How the hell did we ever get to this point?

• I got pregnant--it was intentional but totally unplanned.
• It was September when I learned of my pregnancy--we got married 2nd week of December--if you want to have an inexpensive yet stylish wedding just ask me how I planned mine.
• We both still live with our parents--choosing which place to stay is always been a pain--and source of disagreements.
• Only my husband contributes to the family income--presently since I'm 7 months pregnant already.
  

This situation is not so unusual. A lot of couple have unplanned pregnancies which they can't afford to have--not just for financial reasons but also for career growth. The sad thing is most of these couples belong to the lower strata in the society.

Couples who are well-off opt to have a family in their thirties--oh, that's only when they're done enjoying their single lives.

I used to think co-habitation might be a good idea before plunging into the lifetime bondage of marriage. But. come to think of it--for how long are you going to co-habitate? If you don't feel like living with that person 24/7, do you break up and try another relationship? Is co-habitation a simulation of actual married life?

I would never have the chance to find answers to those questions. My husband and I got into this marriage with a child on the way. Things would have been different if we just got married and opted not to have kids till later--but it wouldn't be necessarily better.

My friends would ask me,

"How are the newly weds?"

I would tell them that

"it's fun but hard to deal with sometimes. You have to accept that person and
love that person--faults and all. You will never find a person you can love that
way all the time so the key for staying together is ACCEPTANCE. No conditions,
no buts or ifs."

First-time Pregnancy 101

I'm 29 weeks pregnant today--but before I reached this point, I had to deal with a lot of doubts most first-time mothers deal with... I bought every books on pregnancy I can find, searched the web for articles about pregnancy and breastfeeding, asked around--but NEVER felt satisfied.

There were moments when I feel that even my own husband don't understand what I'm going through--all those body changes, mood swings, hormonal changes and pregnancy symptoms. It can be overwhelming.

In those moments I felt alone in my situation--I realized a few things that NOBODY ever told me...

1. Choose a doctor you feel like he/she can be your friend. You have to be comfortable with your OB-Gyne because your life and your baby's life depend on him/her. Don't just go to the first referral you get, trust your instincts.

2. Just because you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you have to change routine or stop doing the things you usually do. Don't just lie around!

I was also planning my wedding during my first and second trimester so I had a lot to keep me busy. The only important thing you should remember is take sufficient rest--eight hours sleep plus afternoon nap. If you feel hot flashes, take a quick shower. If you feel tired, lie down on bed or on a couch--just don't do the 'lying around' thing the whole day.

3. During the first trimester, you will experience 'morning sickness'--which is kinda ironic because it can happen anytime of the day or even last the whole day. It's just a feeling of nausea or body malaise accompanied with vomiting or aversion towards certain food or smell and incessant craving for a particular food.

What I did was give in to my craving--you don't vomit what you crave for! And whenever I feel empty stomach and I can't think of anything to eat, I eat graham crackers and fruits such as bananas, apples and oranges. They helped alleviate my hunger and don't make me puke afterwards. I was told to eat salted crackers but they just make me feel bloated afterwards and I would feel more acid in my stomach I feel like puking--so I stuck to eating foods with a bit of sweetness.

There's nothing wrong with vomiting and feeling sick just don't forget to eat--or even so avoid eating all together. Mommies and babies need nutrients during the first three IMPORTANT months of fetal development. I took vitamins prescribed by my OB and drank milk supplement for pregnant women--they're big help especially if you don't get to eat a lot.

4. Eat right but don't punish yourself! I guess I'm lucky because I'm not putting too much weight despite of eating lots of chocolates and ice cream...I'm guessing that the trick here is to eat your fruits and veggies too--especially the ones that aids in digestion--and drink lots of fluids. Trust me, nobody has to suffer constipation and dry skin.

Another good thing about eating the right stuff is you don't get sick--think of the hassle of having to call up your doctor to ask if a particular OTC medication is ok for you to take. We all know our basic food groups, just follow what's on that pyramid--also, you will need to eat foods rich in folate, iron, calcium, B complex, Vitamins A, C & D.

5. Choose your outfit WISELY--you're not pregnant all your life so before stocking up on maternity clothes, think twice.

There are a lot of clothes that would fit pregnant women but are not exactly designed as maternity wear. You can buy empire cut dresses, baby doll tops, long tees and pair them with tights, leggings or even jeans. Just a few tips:

a. Tights & Leggings-choose the ones that have soft waist band. It feels nice and snuggly but not too tight on the tummy.

b. Jeans-I was so lucky to have bought these really great pair of jeans from Jeans West...Low-waist, straight-cut with--get this--adjustable buttons! Just look for one of those--you'll get what I'm raving about.

c. Empire cut Dresses & Baby Doll Tops-choose dresses that you're sure you can wear even after giving birth. I wear tons of empire cut dresses even before I got pregnant so there really was no need for me to change style. I choose dresses that show a bit of cleavage but totally loose-fitting below the breasts but still drapes nicely on your upper torso. They're kinda hard to find because there are just certain fabrics that drape nicely.

d. Long Tees-just make sure they are stretchable--avoid shimmery fabrics--you wouldn't want you tummy area to shine when it hits light.

6. Don't forget about ROMANCE! You are pregnant but you're still a woman. First three months you can still have some bedroom action but after that--believe me, it's going to be painful and uncomfy. Here's what you and your partner can do...

a. Well, you can still have fun the bedroom without going all the way, right?

b. Share back rubs and soft massages--it will soothe you especially with all those leg cramps and backaches you will experience.

c. Cuddle on the couch while watching romantic flicks--or whatever you guys enjoy watching.

d. Have a romantic date--for obvious reasons: we women dig that!

e. Enjoy a fun activity or do together a household chore--well, it's not exactly romantic but it's still a bonding moment.

f. Get your partner involve in EVERYTHING--it's not just your baby. Have him accompany you to your prenatal check ups, lab tests, baby stuff shopping, let him feel your tummy whenever your baby kicks, let him talk to your tummy so your baby will also be able to distinguish his voice.

7. Go High Tech! The concept of a fertilized egg having a 'soul' might still be a mystery but pregnancy itself is not. Go online and you'll be amazed at the amount of information you'll get regarding pregnancy, breastfeeding and child-rearing. I don't mean to be biase but I really love this website, http://www.babycenter.com

8. If you don't have access online, look for printed literature... my favorite book? The BABY RULES by Jamie Schaefer-Wilson & Jo Anne Germinario [published by Health Communications, Inc.] It's such a fun read because it's written from a baby's perspective--it's like having your own kid talk to you. It's not exaclty a book on pregnancy, more of what happens after you give birth--well, for me, that's the scariest part.

9. Don't forget about HYGIENE--don't believe in old wives tales. I hear a lot of flak coming from some of my friends who are med students that most women on labor forget about their personal hygiene--and well, they don't smell nice. You wouldn't want your doctor wrinkling his/her nose in front of you.

10. Have a high pain threshold--you're going to feel a lot of it especially during the last few weeks of prenancy or as soon as your baby have his/her rapid growth spurt in your tummy. You will feel lower backaches, cramping on your abdominal muscles, leg cramping and a lot of stress in your pelvic area. Never take any pain killer--topical painkillers are ok but oral medications are definitely bad for you and the baby.

Read about exercises and sleeping positions for pregnant women--and follow them religiously because those exercises and sleeping positions really help lessen the pain and bodily stresses you feel.

11. Finalize which hospital you will go and plan your transportation. Don't leave this to the last minute--it's practical to inquire about hospital services and its corresponding fees.

12. Last but not the least: Don't procrastinate--don't leave anything up to the last minute. Prepare the following one month before your due date:

a. Baby Stuffs to bring to the hospital.

• 2 Hats, 2 sets of baby outfits or buntings, 2 pairs of mittens and booties, tons of cloth diapers and 2 blankets with hoods for swaddling. Have these properly embroidered or labeled with your last name so they don't get lost or switched with stuffs from other babies in the Neonatal Unit.
• Feeding bottle--just in case.

b. Stuffs for you to bring to the hospital.

• Sanitary pads
• Changing clothes
• Pen and paper--I don't know, they just sound essential.
• Healthcard, pregnancy book, etc.--let your partner hold these stuff among other things. Health officials at the hospital will probably look for him to sign forms, etc.

c. Baby name--check the spelling and other details before having it officially printed and registered.

So there. It doesn't cover everything--just a couple of practical things I thought of--which, I'm sure a lot first time mothers don't realize...especially teenage moms. A lot of them don't have access to proper healthcare and information.

People can tell you a lot of things about being pregnant but if you are the one experiencing it, there are certain things you learn--have to learn to deal with--on your own. A great support system of family and friends is a big help but somethings--you just realize yourself. Trust your instincts.